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John once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
John does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, John instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
When John plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
John built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, John met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
John sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, John roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
A man once asked John if his real name is "Charles". John did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
John recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
John can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
John does not sleep. He waits.
John once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
The chief export of John is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending John. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
John often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
John is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
If you can see John, he can see you. If you can't see John you may be only seconds away from death.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea- bagged to death by John.
John took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
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