A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided
to get rid of him one day by driving him 20
blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up
the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40
blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and
the cat would always beat him home. At last he
decided to drive a few miles away, turn right,
then left, past the bridge, then right again
and another right until he reached what he thought
was a safe distance from his home and left the
cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
"Hon, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of
a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a gas station in a remote outport.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner,
completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"How's she cuttin' bye" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?" Asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on God's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting!"

A mother decided one Christmas that she wasn't
going to remind her kids any longer of their need
to write thank-you notes for the gifts they received.

The result of this was that their Grandpa
never received any thank-yous for the very
generous checks he'd written to the kids.
However, the following year, things were different.

"All the Kids came over personally to thank me"
said Grandpa in a triumphant manner...

"That's great," said his friend, "why do you
think they decided to change their behaviour?"

"Well, that's easy," declared Grandpa,
"this year I didn't sign the checks..."

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

Originally Posted by 1ply

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

that was awsome hahahahahaha

The slippers .....................

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

^^ lol

Recently, The Canadian Government hired several cannibals to increase their visible diversity.
"You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat,
but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work.
We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance.
However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything.
But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"

My Dads friend lives in Austria in Europe and sent us this pic, he thought it would be funny in English.



Its the town of Fucking and the sign with the children means "please slow down",

fuckin' children, lololol

here's more of that sign http://www.snopes.com/photos/signs/austria.asp

An internet classic. It looks like it says 'not so fast'.

Gotta love the wholesome, blonde blue eyed german offspring.

GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR THE ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are
gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have
spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing
the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog,
but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has
a delicate touch except when it uses its nails and whines to be fed.
And just think about how you call a dog ... "Killer, come here! I said get
your ass over here, Killer!" Nowthink about how you call a cat ...
"Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Geeeez, you're fit to be
framed,you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on
bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs
feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko
and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world
is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf, mocha-lattes with skim milk,you like a high
hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard, strong, black, and full
aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf no foam
Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial
sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man
there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types
of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A
real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of
that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league,
NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse
or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY
type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying
to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk
at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he
needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer,
or play with his honey in the passenger seat.

Fuckin eh!



I will cheers to that

How To Clean Your Toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.


2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.


3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.


4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.


5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".


6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.


7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.


8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.


9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.




Sincerly,
The Dog

jkas;sdhgajhAHFGDFSGAKJHASDFKGJSJKFGHAJFSHGDF
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA OMG

hhhahahaha man that was funny!!

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the fucking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that fucking difficult is it?" he says

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for
her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a
knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door
and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is
incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire
production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2
men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so
backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and
they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle
Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps
it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package
between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After
several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches
Lena .

I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." Your
job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Two blonde girls are working for the city public works
department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then
moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest,one girl
digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't
understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it
probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today
the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

Originally Posted by 1ply

WHITE LIE CAKE!

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this --especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found a dusty old angel food cake mix in the back of her kitchen cabinet and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends.

So, being inventive and not wanting anyone to think she was not the perfect woman able to handle all things at all times or that, God forbid, she was not participating in her church's bazaar, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold.

Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified... she was beside herself. Everyone would know... what would they think? Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. She would hav