THREE COWBOYS ARE SITTING AROUND THE CAMPFIRE OUT ON THE
LONESOME PRAIRIE; EACH WITH THE BRAVADO FOR WHICH HE IS FAMOUS.
A NIGHT OF TALL TALES.

THE GUY FROM MONTANA SAYS, "I MUST BE THE STRONGEST, MEANEST,
TOUGHEST COWBOY THERE IS. WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY, A BULL GOT
LOOSE IN THE CORRAL. IT HAD GORED SIX MEN BEFORE I WRESTLED IT TO
THE GROUND BY THE HORNS WITH MY BARE HANDS AND CASTRATED THAT
SUCKER WITH MY TEETH."


THE GUY FROM COLORADO COULDN'T STAND TO BE BESTED. THAT'S NOTHING,
"I WAS WALKING DOWN THE TRAIL YESTERDAY AND A FIFTEEN FOOT DIAMONDBACK
RATTLER SLID OUT FROM UNDER A ROCK AND MADE A MOVE FOR ME. I GRABBED
THAT BASTARD WITH MY BARE HANDS, BIT ITS HEAD OFF AND SUCKED THE POISON
DOWN IN ONE GULP AND I'M STILL HERE TODAY."

THE COWBOY FROM ALBERTA REMAINED SILENT, SLOWLY STIRRING THE CAMPFIRE
COALS WITH HIS PECKER.

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting
the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he
found that someone had taped a note to the sign
that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day.
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk,
takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands
them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats
exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling,
" What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard
pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...

"Oh, do you mean my emergency flashers?" she replied

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal
whiskey and women with big boobs."

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting this how it went
before the judge in Cincinnati.....

His question to her: What did you steal?

Her reply: "A can of peaches".

His reply: Why she had stolen the can of peaches?

Her replied: "I was hungry".

His reply: How many peaches were in the can?

Her reply: "Six".

His reply: I will then give you 6 days in jail ". Before the judge
could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and
asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge asked, "What is it"?

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas......."

^^^^That last one was hillarious!!!

Glenn was in deep trouble. He had forgotten his 25th wedding anniversary.

His wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning Glenn got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Glenn have been scheduled for next Friday.

^^^LOL, Where do you find this stuff?

Originally Posted by 1ply

Glenn was in deep trouble. He had forgotten his 25th wedding anniversary.

His wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning Glenn got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Glenn have been scheduled for next Friday.

GOLD!!!

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
The elderly woman realized she had unknowingly left her bifocal glasses on the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving for about twenty minutes, and her husband asked her to check their map..
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a longer distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her special glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her the more agitated he would become.
He just wouldn't let up for one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived back at the restaurant.
And, as the berated woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her eyeglasses, the old geezer yelled to her........


"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and my credit card."

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And always be my very best friend.


MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a
golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a damn.

^^ lmao

What time does micheal jackson go to bed?
When the big hand touches the little hand

i remembered that one well i read about the molester lmao go figure..molester+micheal..it all adds up lmao

its long but most are worth the read lmao.... Jokes - Jackass Jokes and theres many more lmao



Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
A. An itchy cock.


Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
A. He came home shit faced.


Q. Why did God invent yeast infection?
A. So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt.


Q. What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair?
A. Cunt Stubble.

Q. Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be hell.


Q. Why is a Laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
A. Women who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.


Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why don't Canadians have group sex?
A. Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.

Q. Why are hangovers better than women?
A. Hangovers will go away.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. What's the difference between a 'Spice Girls' video and a porn video?
A. The porn video has better music!

Q. What's the best part of having a homeless girlfriend?
A. You can drop her off where ever you want!




Crude Sex Jokes


Q. Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A. He didn't have any arms.

Q. What's the definition of eternity?
A. The time between when you cum and she leaves.

Q. What's gray, sits at the bed and takes the piss?
A. A kidney dialysis machine.

Q. What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair?
A. Cunt Stubble.

Q. Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be hell.

Q. What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?"
A. A blind person with a rubix cube.

Q. Why did God invent yeast infection?
A. So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt.

Q. Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?
A. They went outside to exchange blows.

Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
A. He came home shit faced.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
A. An itchy cock.

Q. Why is a Laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
A. Women who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q. Why are roach clips called roach clips?
A. Because "pot holder" was already taken.

Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...

Q. Why do women have arms?
A. Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why don't Canadians have group sex?
A. Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.

Q. Why are hangovers better than women?
A. Hangovers will go away.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. What's the difference between a 'Spice Girls' video and a porn video?
A. The porn video has better music!

Q. What's the best part of having a homeless girlfriend?
A. You can drop her off where ever you want!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?
A. When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
A. They're called 'Predickamints'

Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
A. Nothing.

Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Well aren't all kitchen appliances that colour?

Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermit's Finger

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A. If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence!

Q. What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A. Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!

Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopuss.

Q. What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
A. There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A. A Mechanic.

Q. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. Pimp.

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.

Q. Why are women are like tires?
A. There's always a spare.

Q. What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
A. Beethoven's First Movement.

Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A. A tran-sister.

Q. What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A. I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!

Q. Why do women wear black underwear?
A. They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.

Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
A. Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.

Q. What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
A. At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

Q. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A. A salad shooter

Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A. Bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.

Soon to celebrate his 50th wedding Anniversary, the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman for 50 years.

Pete addressed the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but the most successful aspect of our marriage was I took her on trips on special occasions."

Minister - "Trips to where"?

Pete - "Well for our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

Minister "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete. May I ask what you are going to do for your wife on your 50th Anniversary."

Pete - "I'm going back to China to get her."

A guy is driving around Kentucky and sees a> >

sign in front of a house:

Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and

the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a

Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered

that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the

government, so I told the CIA

about my gift, and in no time at all they had

me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies

and world leaders, because no

one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most

valuable spies for eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and

I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle

down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,

wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some

incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

Then I got married, had a mess of puppies, and

now I'm just retired"

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the

owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth

are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.


She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.


Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately and then whispered something into her ear.


The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?"


The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays but Tuesday through Friday I work on my race car !

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came
by and noticed this,
he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir," the usher
said, "If you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched
briskly back up the
aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the
man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly. ''All right buddy, what's your name?''

''Sam,'' the man moaned.

''Where ya from, Sam?'' the cop asked.

''The balcony.''

^ Lol@!