The Official Joke Thread - #1 Car Club In Kitchener - Waterloo - Cambridge

**Slawek** · 11-15-2005, 03:38 PM

Since members keep making new posts about the joke they just heard, this will be the place to post all your jokes to clean up the forum a bit. Feel free to sticky this if you wish! I'll start...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff. As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations." She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... " The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit," said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

**Barky** · 11-16-2005, 01:06 AM

^^ haha, i had to think about it for a minute, but in the end i realized why it was funny

**ryoni** · 11-16-2005, 01:45 AM

**drivers_wanted1** · 11-16-2005, 02:04 AM

AHAHAAHHAH AWESOME!!

:beer:

**NightHawk** · 11-16-2005, 08:16 AM

2 catholic priests are sitting in a urnial and the one nonticed that the other has a "quit smoking patch" on his penis and says hey your suposed to put that on your arm and the the preist replies why? I am down to 2 "butts" a day!!!!

lame i know.thats all i got for now.

**Slawek** · 11-16-2005, 11:12 AM

lol nighthawk

**Subersxy** · 11-16-2005, 11:51 AM

hahah

that is just so wrong

**White Coupe** · 11-16-2005, 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NightHawk

2 catholic priests are sitting in a urnial and the one nonticed that the other has a "quit smoking patch" on his penis and says hey your suposed to put that on your arm and the the preist replies why? I am down to 2 "butts" a day!!!!

lame i know.thats all i got for now.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
YES!!!

**babyinpink** · 11-16-2005, 03:20 PM

By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

**slammedbluewagon** · 11-16-2005, 03:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NightHawk

2 catholic priests are sitting in a urnial and the one nonticed that the other has a "quit smoking patch" on his penis and says hey your suposed to put that on your arm and the the preist replies why? I am down to 2 "butts" a day!!!!

lame i know.thats all i got for now.

Hahahahahaha! But why are they SITTING in a urinal?

**ryoni** · 11-16-2005, 04:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by babyinpink

By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

not bad

**NightHawk** · 11-16-2005, 04:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by slammedbluewagon

Quote:

Originally Posted by NightHawk

2 catholic priests are sitting in a urnial and the one nonticed that the other has a "quit smoking patch" on his penis and says hey your suposed to put that on your arm and the the preist replies why? I am down to 2 "butts" a day!!!!

lame i know.thats all i got for now.

Hahahahahaha! But why are they SITTING in a urinal?

shat up!!!!

**White Coupe** · 11-16-2005, 05:34 PM

so this one time this chick in a wheelchair...asks me to fuck her.

So i picked up her wheel chair and threw it.

as I said "Now your FUCKED!"

hahahahahahahhahahaha

**DB Apes** · 11-16-2005, 07:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by babyinpink

By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

wow for such a long read, there is a major lack of teh funny

**98BCR** · 11-16-2005, 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by White Coupe

so this one time this chick in a wheelchair...asks me to fuck her.

So i picked up her wheel chair and threw it.

as I said "Now your FUCKED!"

hahahahahahahhahahaha

brutally funny

**Lownoma** · 11-16-2005, 07:50 PM

Why I fired the secretary...

>> Why I fired my secretary:
>>
>> Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that >> morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be Pleasant >> and say, "happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.
>>
>> As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy >> Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will >> remember.
>>
>> My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the >> office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.
>>
>> As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "good morning, boss, >> happy birthday!" it felt a little better that at least someone had >> remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door >> and said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your >> birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."
>>
>> I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's >> go!" we went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We >> dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis >> each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously on the way Back to the office, >> Jane said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go >> back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have >> in mind?"
>>
>> She said, "let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment >> Jane turned to me and said, "boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step >> into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."
>>
>> "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple >> of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by my >> wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "happy >> birthday".
>>
>> And I just sat there...
>>
>> On the couch...
>>
>>
>> NAKED

**DB Apes** · 11-16-2005, 08:06 PM

^^^ hahahhahahha

**Slawek** · 11-17-2005, 12:04 AM

The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on Little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

**drivers_wanted1** · 11-17-2005, 01:45 AM

*doesn't know any jokes*

**Subersxy** · 11-17-2005, 06:07 AM

^^X2 THAT IS AWESOME I LOVE IT EVEN THO ITS SO OLD..BUT GREAT!

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
>>dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
>>girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
>>like to go out and make love for the first time.
>>
>>Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
>>he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
>>pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
>>everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
>>
>>At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
>>he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
>>insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
>>busy, it being his first time and all.
>>
>>That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
>>meets his girlfriend at
>>the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
>>meet my parents, come on in!"
>>
>>The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
>>girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
>>and bows his head.
>>
>>A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
>>head down.
>>
>>10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
>>
>>Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
>>leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
>>were this religious."
>>
>>The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
>>a pharmacist."

11-15-2005, 03:38 PM	#1 (permalink)
Slawek VM Member Posts: 4,479 Location: Sydney, Australia Join Date: Jul 2004 Ride: 1998 VW Golf CL Fav Mod: Class: Street	The Official Joke Thread Since members keep making new posts about the joke they just heard, this will be the place to post all your jokes to clean up the forum a bit. Feel free to sticky this if you wish! I'll start... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff. As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations." She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... " The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Shit," said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. ------------------ --- Down Under ---

11-16-2005, 01:45 AM	#3 (permalink)
ryoni VM Member Posts: 1,470 Location: woodstock Join Date: Jul 2005 Ride: 1999 Chevrolet Suburban Fav Mod: Class:	------------------ Ryan 99 Suburban-Daily Driver 94 Integra-SOLD

11-16-2005, 02:04 AM	#4 (permalink)
drivers_wanted1 VM Member Posts: 4,843 Location: K-Town Join Date: Jul 2004 Ride: 1990, Acura Integra Fav Mod: Recaro's/TIEN Class: Street	AHAHAAHHAH AWESOME!! :beer: ------------------ l B16 l ACT l NGK l Rays l Clarion l Boston l KVR l AEM l Energy Suspension l TEIN l Suspension Technique\'s l Skunk2 l Recaro l Sparco l under standing of physics, know how to do some minor plumbing, carpentry, and general house repairs(<done), learn italian, 'finish my car'(done), buy a computer(done), and get a job at toyota - - -i have a lot to do in a year" Want to know go rallying?! It's local! http://www.kwrc.on.ca/

11-16-2005, 08:16 AM	#5 (permalink)
NightHawk VM Member Posts: 2,914 Location: Kitchener Join Date: Dec 2003 Ride: 1985 Pontiac Fiero Fav Mod: Lowering springs Class: Street	2 catholic priests are sitting in a urnial and the one nonticed that the other has a "quit smoking patch" on his penis and says hey your suposed to put that on your arm and the the preist replies why? I am down to 2 "butts" a day!!!! lame i know.thats all i got for now. ------------------ <Kevin> 1995 Chevy Cavalier- RIP??? 2003 Chevy Trailblazer LT EXT- Daily Driver 1985 Pontiac Fiero GT Fastback- New toy

11-16-2005, 11:12 AM	#6 (permalink)
Slawek VM Member Posts: 4,479 Location: Sydney, Australia Join Date: Jul 2004 Ride: 1998 VW Golf CL Fav Mod: Class: Street	lol nighthawk ------------------ --- Down Under ---

11-16-2005, 01:06 AM	#2 (permalink)
Barky VM Member Posts: 2,740 Join Date: Aug 2005 Ride: ... Fav Mod: Class:	^^ haha, i had to think about it for a minute, but in the end i realized why it was funny

11-16-2005, 11:51 AM	#7 (permalink)
Subersxy VM Member Posts: 10,549 Location: kdub Join Date: Nov 2003 Ride: 2004 Subaru Impreza Fav Mod: Class: Street	hahah that is just so wrong ------------------ Sometimes we don't do things we want to do so others wont know we want to do them.

11-16-2005, 03:20 PM	#9 (permalink)
babyinpink VM Member Posts: 147 Location: Toronto Join Date: Sep 2005 Ride: Fav Mod: Class:	By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me." ------------------ I AM THE REAL BABY

11-16-2005, 05:34 PM	#13 (permalink)
White Coupe VM Member Posts: 4,211 Location: Your Girlfriends Bedroom. Join Date: Nov 2003 Ride: 1996, Acura Integra Fav Mod: Air Freshener Class: All Out	so this one time this chick in a wheelchair...asks me to fuck her. So i picked up her wheel chair and threw it. as I said "Now your FUCKED!" hahahahahahahhahahaha ------------------ 96 Tegra Sergei PSA is for Communism and Nazi's.

11-16-2005, 07:50 PM	#16 (permalink)
Lownoma VM Member Posts: 586 Join Date: Jun 2004 Ride: 1999 Mitsubishi Eclipse GSX Fav Mod: Class:	Why I fired the secretary... >> Why I fired my secretary: >> >> Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that >> morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be Pleasant >> and say, "happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me. >> >> As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy >> Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will >> remember. >> >> My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the >> office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent. >> >> As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "good morning, boss, >> happy birthday!" it felt a little better that at least someone had >> remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door >> and said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your >> birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." >> >> I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's >> go!" we went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We >> dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis >> each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously on the way Back to the office, >> Jane said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go >> back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have >> in mind?" >> >> She said, "let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment >> Jane turned to me and said, "boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step >> into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back." >> >> "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple >> of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by my >> wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "happy >> birthday". >> >> And I just sat there... >> >> On the couch... >> >> >> NAKED ------------------ { Joe } Summit White 1997 GMC Sonoma Teknotik "Age has its benefits! I used my Senior Citizen card to get a discount on the Greddy TT!"

11-16-2005, 08:06 PM	#17 (permalink)
DB Apes VM Member Posts: 758 Location: Waterloo/T-Dot, ON Join Date: Oct 2005 Ride: 1994, Honda Integra RS Fav Mod: 98 Spec B18C Class: Street	^^^ hahahhahahha ------------------ April DB8......comin' to a street near you. Formerly known as Baby GSR.

11-17-2005, 12:04 AM	#18 (permalink)
Slawek VM Member Posts: 4,479 Location: Sydney, Australia Join Date: Jul 2004 Ride: 1998 VW Golf CL Fav Mod: Class: Street	The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking." ------------------ --- Down Under ---

11-17-2005, 01:45 AM	#19 (permalink)
drivers_wanted1 VM Member Posts: 4,843 Location: K-Town Join Date: Jul 2004 Ride: 1990, Acura Integra Fav Mod: Recaro's/TIEN Class: Street	doesn't know any jokes ------------------ l B16 l ACT l NGK l Rays l Clarion l Boston l KVR l AEM l Energy Suspension l TEIN l Suspension Technique\'s l Skunk2 l Recaro l Sparco l under standing of physics, know how to do some minor plumbing, carpentry, and general house repairs(<done), learn italian, 'finish my car'(done), buy a computer(done), and get a job at toyota - - -i have a lot to do in a year" Want to know go rallying?! It's local! http://www.kwrc.on.ca/

11-17-2005, 06:07 AM	#20 (permalink)
Subersxy VM Member Posts: 10,549 Location: kdub Join Date: Nov 2003 Ride: 2004 Subaru Impreza Fav Mod: Class: Street	^^X2 THAT IS AWESOME I LOVE IT EVEN THO ITS SO OLD..BUT GREAT! A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have >>dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the >>girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would >>like to go out and make love for the first time. >> >>Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so >>he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The >>pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy >>everything there is to know about condoms and sex. >> >>At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms >>he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy >>insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather >>busy, it being his first time and all. >> >>That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and >>meets his girlfriend at >>the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to >>meet my parents, come on in!" >> >>The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the >>girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace >>and bows his head. >> >>A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his >>head down. >> >>10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. >> >>Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend >>leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you >>were this religious." >> >>The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was >>a pharmacist." ------------------ Sometimes we don't do things we want to do so others wont know we want to do them.